Love and War
by Ionuin Anam Cara
Summary: PERMANENTLY UNFINISHED! WILL NOT BE CONTINUED ANYTIME SOON! IWRY fic…. Buffy learns she's pregnant and freaks out. She runs to the only person who she can trust.
1. Prologue

**Love and War**

**By: Angel Eyes**

Just because all is fair in love and war,

doesn't mean that it's all painful.

Sometimes the powers do reward

their champions.

Consequences aren't always bad.

**Summary:** IWRY fic…. Buffy learns she's pregnant and freaks out. She runs to the only person who she can trust.

**Pairings:** B/A, C/D, W/O, J/G, A/X

**Rating:** T--- there is an NC-17 version just email me if u want it.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Buffy and Co. belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and FOX. I just want to play with them and make the characters happy, like they should be. To keep with tradition, however, I will have to make them suffer a little first.

**Spoilers:** Just to be safe, everything is game.

**Feedback:** Desperately desired…please fuel my muse.

**A/N:** _thoughts_

**A/N 2:** This story is completely in Buffy's POV!

**Prologue:**

Though my mind screams with rational disagreement, my heart keeps soaring, searching for the end that will lead to my new beginning. It's the end that I need to make me let go. That's what's wrong with me. If I could just let go, there wouldn't be a problem. But how do you let go of the only man you have ever loved? How do you let go when his absence feels like a hole deep inside? How can I possibly expect to let go, especially since fate wants to torture me in ways I never imagined, to keep me holding on?

When I met Riley I thought, _Hey, normal guy. Perfect for all of that normal life stuff that people seem so keen on me having._ I was okay with it. I mean, there was definitely some physical attraction and all, but now I will never know what might have been. I can't have a normal life. I see that now.


	2. LA Bound, Again

**Chapter 1: **

**L.A. Bound, Again**

When the doctor told me I was pregnant, I laughed at him. When he didn't laugh with me I realized that he wasn't kidding and proceeded to faint on the table, quite ungracefully I might add. To say I was shocked would be a serious understatement. I was confused, scared, and in total disbelief… it didn't make any sense. Riley I never slept together, and it's been too long since Parker _asshole_ .

So, in all of my emotional distress I did the only thing I knew how to. I ran. Granted the running came after a hysterical episode then a semi-catatonic state at the clinic, but run I did. I couldn't just go back. My friends would judge, Giles would be disappointed, and I don't even want to think about my mother.

I got my bag while she was at the gallery, packed some things, and got on a bus. It was déjà vu, but it barely registered since my mind was still reeling from the news the doctor gave me. I don't know why or how, but when I came to after fainting, a name rang through my head. It was clear, like an order. **_Angel_**. I knew, somehow, that he would be know how to help me, and what I should do. I knew that he wouldn't look at me like I was dirt. Those chocolate pools would look at me and shine with love and care. Maybe some pain would flash through them since we talked about having children once, but still love. He was the only on I could turn to now.


	3. Damn Vampire Hearing

**Chapter 2:**

**Damn Vampire Hearing**

So that's how I now find myself standing outside of his office. I was here almost two months ago. It was an unpleasant 5 minutes since I could barely contain the urge to run into his arms and thank him, which was fighting against the anger that I was letting him feel. But here I am again, and it seems that while I was reliving that five minutes, with some fantasy added in of course, I knocked because here was someone opening the door. "Angel Investigations. We help the hope--" the Irish voice trailed off when he saw me. I remember this to be Angel's friend Doyle. I liked him. "Buffy," Doyle said quietly. "Come in. Angel is downstairs and 'Delia isn't here, but… never mind. Just hold on and I'll get Angel." I didn't say a word. I was still in shock. I'm 18, single, pregnant with no idea or logical reason as to why, and standing in the office of my ex who left me so I could have a normal life, but also whom I am still deeply in love with.

When I hear the footsteps on the stairs my breath caught. I knew it was him. I felt so vulnerable and all of my emotions suddenly rose to the surface and, despite my efforts against it, I felt tears begin to well in my eyes. As I turned towards him, I felt one tear fall with the promise of many more to follow its journey down my cheeks.

Finally facing him I was speechless. I couldn't even breathe his name. He stood before me only half dressed. His bare chest shone with small droplets of water that were most likely left over from a recent shower. Even in my emotional distress I notice the oddity of the clothing he has on, those leather pants. Only Angelus ever wore those, but as o look into his mahogany depths I know that Angelus is still caged and that my Angel is looking back at me. Before words find their way past his lips, I'm across the room and in his arms, tears flowing freely. He never hesitated to pull me close. Gods, I fit so perfectly here, like he was made to hold me. He whispers sweet nothings and Gaelic comforts in my ear to calm me down. Pulling me towards the couch, he sits with me curled up in his lap.

How long we sat there, I do not know. When the tears finally subsided I looked up into his eyes. I was right, I saw love and concern in his eyes. There were no questions, just acceptance. And, suddenly, I just can't help myself. I kiss him. Just a soft press of my warm lips to his cool ones. I intended it to be quick, but as most of our innocent kisses, the passion and fire surge through and he pulls me closer. Its been too long since we were together. His tongue gently traces the outline of my lips seeking access. As I part my lips a moan escapes, and I feel him harden beneath me. My hands tangle in his hair as I desperately pull him closer. He plunders my mouth with his cool tongue, while his one hand roams my back and the other caresses my head and tangles in my hair. As his hand travels around my waist he pulls at the hem of my shirt and his hand slowly ascends, caressing my back then my stomach with feather light strokes. His movements are giving me goose-bumps and I moan again. My hands travel across his back and chest and I rake my nails across his nipples, eliciting a growl from my love. Gods, I never want this to stop. As soon as the thought appears, Angel freezes. His hand is on my stomach. He pulls away quickly and looks me dead in the eyes, his own filled with confusion and questions.

He knows. Damn vampire hearing.

For a moment he just stares. Probably wondering if I know that I'm pregnant. I can't take those eyes staring at me so helpless and the silence is deafening. So, to end it, I lightly brush my lips across his cheek, making my way towards his ear. I whisper softly, "I know. I found out this morning." I feel his arms wrap around my waist and pull me close, his breath hitching in his chest. His tears catch in my hair. Whether he weeps for me and this unexpected surprise or the fact that he can't ever give this to me, I don't know, nor do I care. He pulls away. I crawl out of his lap and into the seat of leather next to him. _Its hard to talk to an angel when you're on his lap!_


	4. Reminders

**Chapter 3:**

**Reminders**

"How?" he whispers. Meeting his eyes and locking gazes, I open my mouth to tell him the story. "I don't know exactly." A million more questions spring to his eyes, and my heart aches for him. _Should I tell him about Parker? Riley?……yes. Be honest._ "There was only one since you, but it was too long ago… it doesn't fit…" I look away. I can't look at his face when I tell him my fears. "I don't know if it's human. I- I just… you know, Hellmouth and all, I'm so scared Angel. I never thought that kids were part of my future, between the demons and all. But I was okay with that because I only wanted them with you. But here I am: 18 years old, pregnant, and I have no clue as to how. I couldn't tell anyone in Sunnydale. They would totally wig and Gods, I am so scared."

I pause and breathe, raising my head to finally meet his eyes. "You're 19," he says quietly. "What?" "You are 19 years old. Today is your birthday." Okay, out of everything that I just told him, the one fact that he grasps and offers a thought on is my age. He is right, though. I am 19, and I completely forgot. Gods, my own birthday. Although, with my birthday track record, I don't blame myself. This may actually be the best birthday yet. _He remembered though._ At that thought, my lips turn upward into a small smile. I lean in and kiss him.

When I pull away there is a darker look in his eyes. "When do they think the baby was conceived," he asks. "Around Thanksgiving." Gods, the look of fear that crosses is face is one like I have never seen before. He pulls farther away and says nothing. After a moment he stands and puts on a shirt. Still confused, I say nothing. Once he is dressed completely, he takes my hand and leads me into the sewers.


	5. Greeks and Romans

**Chapter 4:**

**Greeks and Romans**

We walk about two miles before we come to a stop in front of an odd doorway. There is a birdbath looking basin in the center of the open space. Never letting go of my hand, Angel sprinkles a powder into the basin and says, "We beseech access to the Knowing Ones." The door becomes pure light that fills the room, temporarily blinding me. I feel Angel's hand pull me forward slightly.

Suddenly the light dims. I open my eyes slowly, afraid of what I might see. _Just because I fight monsters professionally, doesn't mean magical doors are safe._ My eyes fully open and I gasp. Standing in front of me are two blue people. Well, not people exactly. Their skin is luminous. It's a smurf blue with gold like veins. I vaguely remember Giles mentioning the Greeks and their pantheon of gods, and my history teacher talking about the traditional roman dress, togas I think. Well that combined is what the beings in front of me looked like.

Now that I have that cleared from my brain, my mind fills with questions. _Who/ what are they? Why are we here?_ I think they can read minds or something because as soon as the thoughts are there they open their mouths and the thoughts go away and I just stand in awe.

"What have you brought us Champion?"

I don't know who they are talking to but to my left Angel holds up the hand that is not holding mine, palm up. I see a glint of silver fly from his palm and to the female being.

"Interesting choice, Champion. The Claddagh ring is a beautiful symbol for why you are here, again. Ask your questions."

I hear Angel's voice. It's shaky, which scares me. "You said that the day was erased. You told me that only I would know of it and that I alone would carry the memory of what could have been. How is this," his hand waves in my direction, "possible?"

"Assuming you speak of the child in the slayer's womb, the Powers saw the sacrifice you made. They decided to reward you, and the slayer. I told you before that you are no longer a 'lower being'. That sacrifice was pure. As is the consequence of your actions that day. The memory of that day will be restored to the slayer upon the birth of the child. As she gives birth to the consequence, she will remember how that consequence came to be." All the time she spoke, her male counterpart remained silent, though now he looked like he had something to say.

"Take this as a sign, Champion. Trust in the Powers. Their judgment is not always fair, but it is always for the greater good. Surprises are in store for you. Just accept them and believe in their purpose. Now, be gone." He waved his hand.

We're back outside the doorway, my hand still safely encased in Angel's. I found my voice, "What the HELL was all that about?"


	6. Baby Love

**Chapter 5:**

**Baby Love**

_**A/N: **The oracles are having a conversation about their Champions just after aforementioned people were dismissed. To keep it simple they will be_

_distinguished by an "M" for the male oracle and an "F" for the female one._

M: Sister, do you believe that the thick headed Champions of ours will finally get the hint?

F: I do hope so, Brother. So many things have we done to put them together. They blame us for their separation but it is the weakness of their trust that keeps them apart.

M: Yes, they must be united or all will fail. They failed all of the tests of their love, but their destiny is to use that love to save the world. This better work, or all is lost.

F: I agree, Brother. I do hope that the surprises to come, both pleasant and not, will be handled well. The new additions to their lives will most likely play a key to the battle that's to come.

M: Yes, though I hope that the _logic_ that they have shown before does not show itself again. I don't think I can handle more of _Mr. Broody_.

they both laugh

We're back in Angel's apartment, he hasn't said anything, however, and I am to confused to ask a question that would help. What confounds me the most is the look on Angel's face. It's as though Christmas has come early and he has been given all the things he could ever imagine. Its brighter than the look he used to get when we talked of his little sister, Kathy. He keeps looking from my face to my stomach and back again. His smile growing every time, which is starting to scare me. I'm not really in the mood to deal with Angelus right now.

_I can't take this anymore! _"Angel, would you please stop smiling like that, or at least tell me why you look so damn happy. I'm getting worried about having to stake you. I so don't need Angelus out to play right now." Gods, if anything that just made his smile even wider, making him look like one of those clowns with the smile painted on. I roll my eyes and sigh dramatically as I drop ungracefully onto the couch.

Angel moves to sit next to me, the smile never leaving his face. It occurs to me that, if it weren't for my current predicament, the smile that graces his beautiful features, though a strange sight, is really quite beautiful. He takes my face in his hands and makes sure that I am looking nowhere but in his eyes. For a moment we are both lost in the depths of each other's souls.

Angel gently brushes a kiss to my lips and pulls away, just far enough so we can lock eyes again. His eyes open and he begins to speak, "I love you Buffy, so much. I don't care what you say, I am never letting you go again." I smile, "Works for me." He kisses me again and I feel that familiar stirring in the pit of my stomach as he presses harder against my mouth. His hands leave my face and drop to my lap. One of his hands holds both of mine while the other hand of his is gently splayed across my stomach. Somehow I am still quite confused.

"Buffy," he looks into my eyes again. " I love you. This is going to be kinda hard to explain, but I can at least settle a few of your fears. The child within you is human. Both of its parents are, were, human. It's not from the Hellmouth, and it's not a monster. It may have a temper and some major broodiness, but it will be perfect. Buffy, love, the baby inside you is mine. You are carrying _our_ child."


	7. Denial Breathes

**Chapter 6:**

**Denial Breathes**

_Oh my god. Oh My God. OH MY GOD!_ _Did he really just say that? I can't believe he would do that to me! He knows how much I love him and that what he is saying is my dream. I can't believe he would make me feel like this. No. This can't be true. Gods Buffy, WAKE UP! This is not real. _I pinch myself. _Nope, it's real. But how?_

"Buffy?" his soft voice breaks through the fog in my head, but I still can't say anything. "Buffy, baby? Look at me, please." I nod my head so that he knows I can hear him. I can't look at him right now, though. I'm so scared. I have no choice not to look at him, though, because his cool, strong hands take my chin in their possession, gently turning my head towards his. I shut my eyes and hold them tight, but not for long. As I feel the cool lips that I know so well press firmly against my own warm lips, my eyes fly open in surprise. He knew exactly what he was doing. As my eyes open, I find them directly locked on his deep chocolate eyes. _Damn him_.

"Talk to me baby." His voice in unsure, like he is scared too. " I don't know if I believe you," I whisper. The pain I saw flash across his face almost brings me to tears. "Angel, how? How can that be possible? We haven't… not since my birthday two years ago. I just don't understand. It can't be possible. My life has been doomed from the start, why would something that wonderful decide to happen now?"

He says nothing for a while. I can tell that he is thinking of how to tell me something important. He looks into my eyes, somber and pained. We sit like that for a while, but then he does something that makes me want to slap him. He smiles. _What the hell is he so happy about now._ _I just told him that I don't believe that I am carrying his baby and he is friggin' happy!_ "What is so amusing?" I snap. His smile broadens. "I was just remembering the day that our baby was conceived. Gods, baby, I wished you could remember." His smile fades. "Then you would be able to be mad at me all at once." I give him a confused look. Or maybe I just deepen it because I've been confused since we got here.

He smirks. "Do you remember when you came here after Thanksgiving?" At my affirmative nod, he continues, "Well, there is another version of that day. Just to warn you though, once you hear the whole story, you may be really pissed at me. I did what I did because I love you. Never for get that." He took a deep breath. "When you came there was a demon that attacked. You remember me killing it fairly quickly by smashing the jewel on its helmet. I told you that I had had time to catch up on my reading and that's how I knew how to kill it. I lied. Really it was because I, well actually you, killed that very same demon on the day that isn't."

"Angel, have you completely gone insane. You sound like Drusilla. Well, maybe a bit les cryptic, but --"

I stop as he holds up his hand to shush me so he could finish. "When the demon attacked on the day that isn't. I didn't kill him in my office. He attacked and we both went after him, but he escaped into the light. We headed into the sewers after you changed. When I lost his scent we split up. You left the sewer to search in the daylight and I continued underground. I found him and killed him, but some of his blood mixed with mine through a cut on my hand. I… started breathing." Angel stopped, and for the first time since he had started this story, he looked away. I didn't understand the problem. "You always breathe, or, well, pretend to." "It wasn't just that I was breathing, Buffy. I had to breathe. I needed to breathe." "…Needed to? But, Angel? If you had to breathe, then that means…" I looked at him; not voicing what I knew must be true. He nodded. "You were a-al-alive?" He nodded again. "Alive, hu-human, alive…" I trailed off, not fully comprehending why I did not know this.


	8. Why

A/N: Sorry it took so long. I have lots of excuses and reasons, but I won't waste your time with them. Have fun. Thanks for your reviews. Hope you like:

* * *

**Chapter 7: **

**Why?**

You would think that I would be happy, my dreams coming true and all. I mean, first, Angel was human (we can make it happen again), second, I'm carrying his child, third, it looks like the PTB want us together. Then why am I not happy? I feel so lost. I'm getting my dreams, but at the cost of their memories. Gods. He was _human_.

Without thinking my hand went to his chest. Placing it over his heart, I heard myself whisper, "I felt your heartbeat." A fresh wave of tears envelopes me and I can't say anything else. I pull away and will myself to stop crying.

After I get myself under control, I turn back to face him, waiting for the rest of the story. He looks at me for a few long moments, holding my gaze, then takes a long, unneeded breath. "I went back to the office and saw Cordy and Doyle. Doyle took me to see the Oracles and Cordy went to find you. After the oracles confirmed that there were no strings attached to my humanity, like a moment of happiness, I went to find you. It didn't take long to find you at the pier in Santa Monica. You must have felt me, my presence, because you turned, seemingly searching, and saw me walk into the sunlight. I came to you and we kissed. All the years of separation and longing and forgiveness went into that kiss and those moments. We went back to the apartment and sat in the kitchen, deciding what to do. Somehow, we made the decision to be sensible and not rush into anything. You were going back to Sunnydale."

Angel paused, no longer looking into my eyes. He seemed to lose himself in the memory. "We stood up from the table. Then our hands touched. That simple thing broke whatever it was that had us staying responsible. All rational thoughts vacated our heads. We spent the next glorious hours making love, breaking my kitchen table in the process, and just enjoying each other. You introduced me to chocolate and peanut butter, and cookie dough fudge mint chip ice cream. We fell asleep like a normal couple. 'A normal girl in the arms of her normal boyfriend,' you said.

Angel paused again. "What changed?" I asked quietly.

"The Morah wasn't actually dead. He regenerated. I went to kill him and almost died. I was helpless. You saved my life. I made a decision then, that I would do anything and everything to be able to protect you, again. I went back to the Oracles and asked them to take back my humanity, to turn me back into a vampire. The created a temporal fold and left only the memories of that day for me. Or so I thought."

He looked at me then, his story over. I didn't know what to say.

Then it sank in. He'd done it _again_. He'd made a decision about us, without me. He chose to let us go to "save me" because it was "the best thing for me." I found my voice, then.

"DAMN IT, ANGEL! Why did you do it again? Why did you make another decision for me? It's not just about you! I thought you might have gotten that the last time you LEFT ME! Gods Angel, WHY? Don't give me that bullshit about doing it because it was best for me. So what, you can't fight. It's not the fight that I love about you. It's the heart. Just because it's not beating it's your heart, your _soul_, and your mind that I love. So, why did you leave me, AGAIN?

If I could have yelled some more I would have, but the tears flowing from my eyes and the breath hitching in my throat made me stop.

"Why?"


	9. Changing Tears

A/N: 3. Sorry, the last part is in dialogue form to make it a little easier to follow.

* * *

**Chapter 8: **

**Changing Tears**

Angel didn't say anything for a long time. He stood up and started pacing, but still no words left his lips. Maybe it's just me and those pregnancy hormones, but for some reason I just wanted to forget about the why, drag him into the bedroom and kiss away all the pain and the lost time. I started to get up to do just that, but he chose that moment to sit right next to me on the couch. His mouth (that beautiful mouth with full, oh so soft lips, and that delicious tongue) '_way off topic Buffy,'_ opened to say something, perhaps to answer my question, but the phone rang.

_Damn phone._

ring ring Angel didn't move.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" With a look of apology, he moved.

"Hello? Yes. Hi Giles." He turned to me as he says that last part. Shaking my head vigorously I mouth "I'm not here."

"No, Giles, she isn't here. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving." I must have winced at that because he gave me a small frown before turning back to his desk. "Yes, I will call if she shows up here or if she calls, but I really don't think that she would come here….because I'm not… It's Buffy. She needs time to herself on occasion. Alright Giles."

He hung up and turned to look at me, smiling. "They think that you have been kidnapped." "And that's funny, how? I should have called or left a note, but I don't want them to know where I am. They are the best family a girl could ask for, but they would just jump all over me with the questions and the help. I gotta figure out what I want first."

"That's kinda what I told Giles. You do need to call or something soon, though. At least let them know that you're okay." "Yeah."

I look up at him, a pained expression painted across my face. Somewhere during that phone call I realized how trapped I felt. I watch as Angel's brow furrows, but I just can't do this right now. It's just too much. Before he even has time to process that I'm not on the couch anymore, I am out the door and into the sunlight.

* * *

Sunset

I waited outside the door. I couldn't make myself go back in there. The guilt I felt for running away was crippling, but I have felt so trapped and it seemed as though I was suffocating.

I went to the pier at the beach, strange flashbacks of Angel kissing me breathless kept invading my mind, so I left quickly. I just walked. All over Los Angeles. Breathing. Trying not to think.

I ended up at the park that I used to play at when I was a kid. I watched mothers feeding their children snacks and fathers pushing their kids on swings. I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that I had always wanted that. To be a mom. To only save lives, but to give life. The tears came again, but they were different tears. These were happy tears.

I walked inside A.I. the moment the sun fell behind the buildings. Angel was on the phone and his back was to me. He sounded frantic. "No Cordy….No… She hasn't come by there? Okay… I have my cell, I'm going out to look for her…uh huh, bye."

"Sorry," I whispered. My voice was barely audible, but I knew he heard me. The look of relief on his face nearly made me cry again. He crossed the room and inspected every visible inch of me for injuries. I giggled. He growled. _I love that sound_. When he was satisfied that I was okay, he kneeled down and put his hand on my stomach and listened, a look of joy and awe graced his features as he heard the baby. Our baby. More tears. Still happy.

When he stood up he wrapped me in his arms and crushed me to him, all the while whispering 'thank you' to the PTB and 'I love you' to me. When he finally let go a little bit, he took me over to the couch, sat down and pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms protectively around me.

B: Do you want this?

A: Almost as much as I want you.

B: smiles What are we gonna tell everyone?

A: The truth.

B: looks up and grimaces Do we have to?

A: We'll do it together.

B: Okay, together... Where are we gonna live?

A: Nice transition, love. smiles We'll live in Sunnydale, at the mansion.

B: My mother is going to flip. I guess she's just gonna have to deal with it, though, seeing as how we are married.

A: confused, looks down at a mischievously smiling Buffy

B: Just because I'm not some stuffy old British watcher doesn't mean that I can't do research. I know about the Claddagh. I know what everything that happened that night means… I'm okay with it.

A: relieved Really?

B: Yeah. I have one request, though. smiles

A: Anything.

B: Can we make it legal before I look like I swallowed a beach ball?

A: laughs As you wish, mo croi.

B: stomach growls

A: Baby, when was the last time you ate?

B: I don't remember. Its just been so crazy. I don't think I could have eaten even if I had wanted to.

A: Come on. takes her hand and leads her to the elevator

B: Where are we going?

A: I have a surprise for you.

B: I like surprises, usually. Does it involve food? 'Cause my tummy is yelling at me and baby is probably hungry too. laughs

A: You'll see. leads her through the lower level apartment and into the kitchen

B: looking around I don't see a phone in here.

A: confused Why do you need a phone?

B: Well, I'm pretty sure that I don't drink blood and since baby isn't creature-y then it probably doesn't either.

A: That's a good thing, then, seeing as how I was planning on making scrambled eggs.

B: big smile My favorite! Angel! I can't believe you remembered.

the night is spent talking and eating scrambled eggs and falling asleep in Angel's bed


	10. Apology

My Dearest Readers,

After many days and nights, different drafts, different directions and other variables, I regret to inform you that I will not be able to complete this story. I would, however, like to give it to someone who will care for it as their own and bring it to its full realization.

It seems that my writer's block concerning this story is due simply to the fact that I cannot get back in the same state of mind. Too much has happened in my life and too much time has passed and changed me. I spent endless painful hours trying to write myself back into the story, but everything that came out didn't seem to fit.

I hope you can all forgive me and one of you beautiful people will take over for me. I also hope that you will not hold this against me, nor against my upcoming stories, for I have many ideas which I promise to update and complete in a very timely fashion. I am still looking for a beta for my new Buffy and Twilight fics. Please let me know if you would like the story or if you want to help me by beta-ing. Thank you so very much and all my deepest apologies.

IAC


End file.
